Lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) from dating apps
Four years ago, I graduated college and moved to New York City single, finally emotionally and sexually separate from my ex. With the classic just-moved-here, wide-eyed-and-bushy-tailed main character mentality, I installed dating apps to meet new people both for the sake of meeting and also in an attempt to celebrate the sexual freedom everyone seemed to enjoy in their early 20s. Over the years, I have used Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, and at some point even Sixlines. One friend even suggested J-Swipe (I’m not Jewish). I was falling in love with the city and mistook that budding love as a signal to find romance with other people while living here.
Dating in New York City is notoriously difficult because New Yorkers are outrageous, but some of the Ls you take also become great stories. There has been horrible and hilarious situations...so much so that I was completely uninterested in dating for more than two incredibly rewarding years.
This is an ongoing piece, just as my 20s are, while I periodically entertain the concept of dating as an adult and the entrapments of modern romance. I would think most of these principles apply to other cities just as much, the only difference being y’all don’t have to experience extreme ends of the spectrum for these takeaways.
Alas, here’s what I have learned and am learning from dating apps:
There are different definitions of “fun and casual.”
If someone is interested, you will know.
Don’t put too much pressure on the first date.
Coffee, drinks, or anything casual is the happy medium in most circumstances. If you like them, informality can be the launching pad from which you contine the day/night; if you don’t, simply bid them goodbye without having spent too much time. I’d never want to find myself across the dinner table from someone whose company I do not enjoy. Food should be shared with loved ones whose company elevates the dining experience. Otherwise I would just dine solo.
4. As ironic as this is, don’t take everything so personally.
People are complex, each with their history and emotional baggage. May this be controversial or whatever, but sometimes rejection or ghosting is more of a reflection on them than on you. Not every date is meant to work out, so don’t let their previous experiences or general lack of emotional maturity negatively affect you. As long as you’re recognizing your own issues and doing the work to better yourself, I would say the loss is a gain.
5. “Tall guy energy” vs “short guy energy”
A friend of mine is the originator of this quote, so credit to her. Can personally vouch for the validity of this statement. Take The Weeknd, for example. Big Tall Guy Energy. It’s how you carry yourself, and I feel like this applied across the board.
6. Wit is sexier than abs.
7. It’s not your job to fix someone.
Seems like a cliche, but I have come to appreciate how upfront people can be about their preferences or the moment they share a nerve-striking opinion. A red flag is a red flag. Have a discussion, and if you have incompatible values (or they are truly idiots), recognize that and move the fuck on.
8. People deserve second chances, but give them wisely.
Personally, I don’t know if I’ve ever had a “perfect” first date but don’t spend too much time imagining what that entails. We’re all human - we say the wrong things, get nervous, and often have way more going on in our lives than meets the eyes of strangers. Within reason, I believe people deserve second chances. I’ve fallen victim to my own fear of saying “no” or naivety in the past and given one too many seconds without reason, and trust me it’s emotionally exhausting.
9. Prioritize your own standards, and have fun!
Growing up abroad and having a chatty parent, I’ve learned that meeting new people is always rewarding. I felt this especially in my 20s. Meeting people in a city like New York taught me about perspective, the world, and most importantly myself. Regardless of a pursuit for romance or what have you, I encourage everyone to have conversations with strangers.
